Goal #1. August 9, 2011

I’m reaching the end of the first year of my “sabbatical,” which  means that as long as Chris’s course of study goes as planned, I’ve only got one year left.  I’ve been putting it off for a while, but I finally started to figure out what to do once I am allowed to work again.  Of course, the dream job would be to play with a great orchestra, but I’m not sure yet if I have what it takes to get to the point of winning an audition.  We all saw how *well* I coped with the stress of school, so I’m not sure yet that I can cope with the stress of the audition circuit.  Only time will tell on that one…  I know I can earn a living as a musician, and I’m pretty sure that even if I go back to the same balance of teaching and performing that I did before I went back for my M.Mus., with a few tweaks I would even enjoy it.  So, since I’ll be happy in work (whichever path I end up taking), I’ve realized that it isn’t a job I want to focus on.  I want to figure out how I’d like to spend my life.

Anyhow, I’ve decided that I should set a few goals for the course of this last year off to help me find a way to keep “happy.”  I had already given myself the goal of fixing up the house…  But that’s pretty much done.  Only two more windows to make roman shades for, and a few little projects here and there.  I have a few ideas swimming around in my head that I have to nail down, however, I’ve come up with my first goal:

1.  Run a 5K.

Although I can already run 5K, I would really like to “run a 5K.”  I started today by seeing where I’m at.  I usually train in intervals (ie. 1 or 2 minutes as fast as I can, then 1 minute at a slow pace to recover), so I wasn’t sure what a comfortable, steady pace would be.  I warmed up for 5 minutes, and then ran the 5K “loop” on the treadmill.  I completed the run in 33 minutes and 57 seconds (according to the treadmill I averaged an 11 minute, 6 second mile) which was a comfortable pace for me.  I know it will be different outside, but I much prefer running on the treadmill…  or on a woodsy trail.  First of all, it’s much easier on my knees.  Secondly, I find I can go A LOT further when I can’t actually SEE the distance I’m going.  :)  The next step is to try it outside…  Hopefully that will be as painless as the treadmill!

Oh, and I’ve registered for my first one.  It’s coming up in about a week and a half on August 21st.  Wish me luck!

*Update:  I tried again the next day, and my time was 32 minutes and 52 seconds.  Woot!

neglect July 20, 2010

With the kerfuffle of travelling, moving, and more, I have been neglecting my blog, so here’s a quick update.

I am in beautiful Banff at the moment, and am holding things together.  Well actually, more than just holding it together now.  I had a really bad day on Sunday, but I’ve managed to stay on my lowest dose of this weaning experiment of 10 mgs.  I am away for a whole month, so my doctor and I have come up with plan B and C in case I fall apart.  Sunday was an anomole though…  I hope.  I had messed up my flight, which meant that I could only take carry-on luggage so that I could catch the last shuttle of the night.  Then my purse broke.  Then the lady sitting next to me spilt water all over me, noticed, and didn’t say anything.  PLUS, I had to say goodbye to my hubby and pups for a month.  Then I realized I only had one Ativan left, which made me panic (ironic…).  Anyhow, I made it through without taking it, just in case I need it here in Banff before I can get a refill.  I should clarify that I rarely need one, but I certainly feel better knowing I have them, just in case.  The good news is, I’m doing well now.

My poor hubby is stuck at home, left alone to finish packing the house and to take care of all the annoying moving to-do’s.  He’s a sweety!  He knew this would be the case, but convinced me to come here anyways for the great experience.

Anyhow, I must go practice.  The last movement of the Barber Violin concerto is calling my name…

Not Blue May 31, 2010

I’m not feeling blue, and I haven’t been for quite a while.  Well, maybe a little blue now and then, but not depressed-blue!  I have been thinking for months about coming off my medication, and I think it’s time to do some serious thinking about it.  I have been warned by more than one doctor that I may require meds for life, but how can I know for sure unless I try?  Plus, I’ve never had the opportunity to try and deal with a period of major depression without the meds, so who knows if I can handle it?  From the time I REALLY crashed and was diagnosed 1.5 – 2 years ago, I have been on medication and I really didn’t want to try to come off it until I was feeling better and stable, and was done with school.  Now that time has come, and I’m ready to bring it up with my doctor again.

I’ve had many of the side affects that are common with anti-depressants:  lots of dizziness, major fatigue/insomnia, forgetfulness, and more.  There’s a giant list of side effects when weaning off the medication which I’m a little worried about…  Kind of like withdrawal.  Any advice for me?  I’ll have to see what my doc says and go from there, I guess.  Hopefully I can handle it!

As a side note, it seems as though every year around this time I get bored with my hair and chop it all off for the summer, and then regret it later ’cause it really doesn’t suit me.  This year, I resisted the urge and instead just got a trim plus new bangs.  Much better!  Here’s a pic of the new ‘do with Abby making me laugh. 

Good or Bad News? Good! May 28, 2010

I have too much to say today.  I have been so busy lately!  I thought that would end with the end of my Masters program, though that has clearly not been the case.  I have updates in many areas:  violin, house, plans for next year, etc., so I think I will stick to the violin/life updates and save the house for another day.

I am currently waiting at the Toronto airport for my connecting flight.  A day with an itinerary of 4 hours and 9 minutes of travel time has ended up being 7 hours so far, and counting.  It will likely end up being over 8 hours by the time its done!  Thanks, Air Canada…  Oh well, life goes on.  I am heading home from my Symphony audition, which overall, I am quite pleased with.  I didn’t win the job and I certainly didn’t play my best, but I am really happy with the experience.  It was a great set-up for an audition – there were a whole bunch of dressing rooms, so we each got a private warm-up room for the day.  That meant that I could keep busy  by listening to my ipod, planning, and warming up and not get too nervous.  Until, of course, my audition time came up…  It was my first one for a decent full-season orchestra, so I’m cutting myself some slack.  I got a little nervous and flustered, which led to my bow arm tightening and messing up a couple of entrances, plus I flubbed a few notes.  Not so good.  There is a lot of good news to come out of it though!

First of all, my first audition is over and I didn’t make a fool of myself!  I now know what to expect in my next auditions, and can prepare accordingly.  Second of all, I got a confidence boost.  I listened to the others warming up and practicing, and I have to say, I’m just as good as they are.  That makes me think that I will eventually land a job…  And to use a cliché, I have saved the best for last.  I get to move with my handsome hubby and hyper pups instead of doing the long-distance thing for the next few years.

Now that this audition is over, I can continue with my original plans for next year.  I’ll be doing a lot of DIY projects on a fixer-upper house next year; lots and lots of practicing, audition preparation and as many auditions as I can; and volunteer work.  I also plan on taking care of my hubby.  He has been so great to me through my mental health struggles, that I’m looking forward to finally being able to take care of him a bit.  He’ll be so incredibly busy (and stressed!) with his Doctorate program, so I plan on baking him yummy treats for a mid-day pick-me-up, taking care of most of the household chores, and surprising him with lunch and coffees at school every now and then.  After all, I can’t get a work visa or green card, so I will have plenty of time for that!

reckless abandon May 12, 2010

I am preparing for a couple of orchestra auditions, and have been working on an infamously difficult excerpt.  Don Juan.  It is not easy, but I am determined kick its ass.  I had a lesson today with my awesome teacher, and he told me I need to play it with “reckless abandon.”  I agree.  Wholeheartedly.  I think I could benefit from doing other things with reckless abandon…  within reason!  To me, reckless abandon seems kind of like following your heart without regard to how that will affect others.  It’s time I follow my own heart, though I have to admit, I will take care to not hurt or harm others in the process!  I think this is an important step in healing my depression, and I’m feeling better already.  I am looking forward to the journey.

Following my heart…  First, that means doing my best for my upcoming auditions.  Second, well, that remains to be seen.  I’ll keep you posted.

Hiatus Over May 3, 2010

I made it.  I’m done my master’s degree!  Now on to the rest of my life…  I have had many ups and downs in the last 2+ months, and I shall attempt to catch you all up on all the major events and changes.

Well, if you’ve read my blog in the past you know that I switched teachers this term.  It took a little while, but we got in to a good student-teacher “groove” and I feel that I learned a lot from him.  He is such a supportive and encouraging teacher, and has a great way of balancing words of encouragement while teaching me new approaches.  I’m going to ask him for lessons until I leave (more on that in a bit) to help me with a concerto and orchestral excerpts.

Another big change is that Chri got into his first choice school, so we are moving over the summer!  We’re heading to ‘Merica for a few years for him to pursue a Doctorate.  I may or may not audition as well next year…  We’ll see.  I suppose it depends on if I’ve won an audition by then…  Hmmm….  Lot’s of practicing to do!

I’m heading to Banff again this summer for the orchestra program.  It means that Chri might have to move on his own, but he’s all for it.  I think it has something to do with the fact that it’s a full scholarship program, and that I’m moving to the States with him for 3 years and won’t be able to work…  Plus, he’s a great guy

I won’t be able to work in ‘Merica while Chri is in school, so I have a few projects that I’ll be working on:

• Most importantly, I will improving my health, both mentally and physically.  Over the last 5 years or so, I have steadily gained weight and would like to reverse that trend.  Now that I’m done with school, I have no excuse!  I’m also excited that I can focus on improving my mental health.  I think being able to choose my own projects and “follow my heart” will be good for that.
• We are moving to a really depressed area (compared to Canada, anyways), so housing is super cheap.  We will be buying a “fixer-upper” that I will be able to renovate.  Hopefully just cosmetics, as I don’t know how to put on a new roof, re-do major plumbing issues, etc.  I’ll post photo’s as I go!
• I’m going to do some volunteer work.  There’s a fair amount of crime and illiteracy where we’re moving, so I’d like to work with one of the many reading programs for kids.  I’m a little scared to work with criminals…  So I think I will help to educate children so they turn into well-rounded, law-abiding adults.  There’s another program that works with mentoring children with one or both parents in prision, and I think I will apply for that as well.

I think those projects will keep me busy for a little while   Now, back to shining up our current house so it will sell.

Epiphany Fail January 13, 2010

What:  8-year old boys violin lesson.

Situation:  I find out that this boy has been diagnosed with ADD.

My thoughts:  Aaaah!!!  This explains so much!  Now I know why he’s not understanding, no matter how I teach him.  Thank goodness I’ve dealt with this before and have studied how to teach kids with ADD!

Results:  This boy is learning so much more, and is understanding what I’m teaching!

Epiphany:  I always knew he had trouble focusing, so why not try my “ADD-friendly” teaching methods with other students who have trouble focusing?

Experiment: Another 8-year old boy with trouble focusing, with whom I tried these techniques.

FAIL:  Turns out that this kid doesn’t have trouble focusing, he’s just a brat.

T-1 week. Eek! November 21, 2009

One week to go.   Really, I don’t have much to report as I’ve been spending so much time closed up in a practice room preparing for my recital!  I have had time on my practicing breaks to reflect on my life – past, present, and future, and am left with a hard to describe feeling.  Unsettled, perhaps?  Here’s what I’ve been thinking…

Past:

Not quite right.  We lived in a beautiful place, our good friends were fantastic people, and we had an easy life.  We both were “settled” in our professional lives, yet it never quite felt like home there.

Present:

I’m in a bit of a limbo at the moment.  I’m focused on getting through my MMus here and improving my mental health.  I know what I’m doing and where I’ll be for the next few months, but I don’t know what to plan on for after that…  I can’t build a life here, yet my plans for the future are dependent on Chri’s DMA auditions and we don’t find out about that until April or later.

Future:

Really, who knows what the future holds for me?  My present is unsettled, so how can I decide on a future?  I’m barely holding my head above water in my present, so how can I plan my future?  Sigh.  Can you tell that I like to have a plan?  I just have to be patient.  A few months from now I can begin to plan my future, at least for the short term of 3 years or so…

Anyhow, I’m looking forward to playing my first solo graduate recital.  I know that there are things that won’t go as well as I’d like, but there is nothing quite like the feeling of working hard towards a goal and then achieving it.  I’m proud that I’ve been able to make it to this point.  I am still struggling to overcome my mental health issues, but I WILL give a successful performance and I am excited about that.

Alright, time for a good nights sleep so that I can spend the day in a practice room tomorrow!

Good, good, good news! October 14, 2009

I am finally ready to share my good news with you, and no mum, I’m not pregnant!  Hahaha!  Actually, I have had a run of good luck lately, but the biggest news is that I am now on faculty at the school I’m currently finishing my Masters degree at.  I officially signed the contract this morning, though it has been in the works for a couple of weeks.  I’m starting with just one student, but it will be a great test to see if university level teaching is an avenue I’d like to pursue.  Up to this point in my life, I’ve been heading toward a career as an orchestral musician while teaching younger students on the side because so far, that is what I love doing.  With this opportunity, I will have the chance to see if I will enjoy teaching at a higher level.  Anyhow, I am THRILLED at this opportunity and what it will mean for my resume!

I must admit, I was TERRIFIED to tell my own teacher about this.  She is a wonderful teacher and has been extremely supportive of me through my struggles with depression this past year, however, she is quite particular about the order of things in her studio (to say the least!).  I dreaded the moment of telling her from the time I was first asked to take this on.  Turns out that I shouldn’t have…  When I “broke the news” to her, she simply said “yeah, I know.”  Then she told me that she was the one that recommended me for the job.  All of a sudden my troubles in lessons disappeared.  I finally understood that no, she doesn’t think I suck, she just RARELY gives out compliments; well, in my mind this is the biggest compliment I could ever be given.  A year and a half of breaking down in lessons is OVER!  I’ve always understood that lessons are meant to help me improve, and that of course I have an immense amount to learn and many more skills to refine, but I now know that I’m not playing “catch-up” to where I should be.  I work hard, I am skilled, and I am dedicated to the continual improvement of my playing and musical understanding.  Aaaaah, what a good feeling!  I don’t think I have ever been this content before.  It’s lasted for a week so far, and I will do my best to ensure that it continues.

Busy, Busy October 3, 2009

Aaaah, I have been oh-so busy this week.  Today I had to drive to Toronto and back, but I was so tired that on the way there I pulled over and had a nap.  Arrive Alive.  That’s the motto out here.  Ok, it’s really for drinking and driving, but I’m sure it applies.    I have two more big-ish drives this weekend, and I’m hoping to get through them without needing a nap halfway through…

On another note, I have some exciting news, but I’m not quite ready to share it yet.  It should be finalized by early next week, so check in soon because I can’t wait to share it!