Good, Bad, and Ugly February 16, 2010

Good

I just had a great lesson.  I understand spiccato bowing now, and apparently I was already good at it, and I understand how to have strength in my sound while having a good bow path!  For those non-string players, these are good things!

Bad

I still haven’t found a new violin, nor have I sold my current violin.  Sigh.  I think I will have to go back to that one shop and see if they still have the french violin that I really liked…

Ugly

No motivation!  I know it’s part of the depression, but I feel kinda lazy.  I never feel like doing much, and it is hard to make myself practice.  I have just one short month or so until my next recital, and I NEED to get my butt in gear.  I trying to give myself very specific, daily goals to achieve this, but it’s not always going well…  I am going to set up some practicing dates with friends, but other than that, do you have any suggestions to help me get off my butt?

Happy lessons :) January 13, 2010

Last week I had my first lesson with my new teacher.  I was a little nervous, but really happy with how it went.  He had some really helpful things to say, and I’ve been trying to fix and work on a few things he pointed out to me.  He was very direct with what he wanted, and gave me very clear feedback that was easy to understand.  Though the switch was not the ideal situation, I think it will be a great term and I’m excited to learn more from him!  I also had my first masterclass with him, which was also good.  I didn’t play, but he had good things to say to everyone.  It was difficult to get a good sense of his masterclass teaching style as it was the first one back since the break and not everyone was completely prepared…  But I hope that this week will be a little more informative.  Otherwise, I had a good week back last week and am excited for my next lesson and masterclass in a couple of days.

I’ll leave you with one of the first pics of 2010 of Chri and I, as well as a picture of Abby from Christmas.  She was so excited to unwrap her presents from “Santa” – who in reality, is “Santa Grandpa!”  My dad tends to spoil the pups!

New Year, New Start January 1, 2010

How appropriate, and quite cliche, that the start of the new year brings for me a new start.  I have a new teacher for this term at school. Before I explain what happened, I feel it’s important for me to point out a few things.

1. I started this blog in hopes that it would help someone else dealing with depression.  I want to show that I made it through all the crap that came in the first year with the major episodes, and that even though I’m not completely over it, I’m still living.  I have fun, I accomplish goals, I have friends, I have a life.  Sure I have a hard time sometimes and I still need medication, but I want to give hope to someone else who may not understand what’s happening to them or what the outcome will be.  I know that given my history, I am very likely to continue having episodes of depression throughout my entire life and will likely need medication either on-going, or in spurts, but I am still optimistic that I will lead a good life overall and will still accomplish goals that I set for myself.
2. I talk about events and feelings from my point of view.  I explain my side of things, the way I see them.  It helps me cope.
3. I don’t use my last name, nor do I say what city I live in, what school I go to, or anything else that gives away where I am currently located.
4. I am happy for anyone to read this blog.  If you have a problem with what I’ve written, please comment or talk to me about it first.  I don’t mean to offend anyone.

For those of you who read my blog regularly, you know that I took a hiatus last month and blocked jennybabble from public view.  I got an email from the head of performance at my school asking me to see him about my blog, so I shut it down immediately until I knew the reason and could sort out the situation.  It turns out that my teacher had “come across” my blog.  The meeting with Prof. Performance & co. was actually very supportive – they had clearly only read the “depression” posts, and thought this was my “cry for help.”  They suggested that I change studio teachers, and wanted me to complete my degree in the best possible way for me.  I was REALLY upset and taken aback, but at that point was convinced that I did not want to switch teachers.  I have learned so much from her, even through the depression and the term I was not able to take lessons.  To me, it seems as though there have just been a series of misunderstandings, which I thought I had explained in the email I sent to her a few days before this situation arose.  Apparently, she saw it as “sucking up” and didn’t think I was sincere.  That is a shame, because I was sincere.  I was actually offered a similar amount of scholarship money to study elsewhere with a fantastic violinist, but chose to study with her instead.  Well, there is nothing I can do about that.  I had a lesson with her two days after the meeting with Prof. Performance.  I didn’t bring my violin, because I really, REALLY wanted to sort things out.  From the start of that meeting, it was clear that I have really offended her with my blog.  I feel bad for that – that was not my intention.  I am very sorry for hurting her, and regret that it happened. She spoke of the trust being broken between us, but in a different way than I see it.  She thinks I haven’t trusted her opinion in ages, which is not true.  I misinterpreted her meaning of interpreting a piece my way, and I think that’s one main reason she thinks I don’t trust her.  She did say that she’s a professional, and is prepared to “start over” and teach me through my last term if that’s what I want.  No matter how professional she is, I still think she is incredibly hurt by what I have written, and that the trust is gone.  She doesn’t believe that I trust her musical opinions, and I don’t trust that she will be honest with me.  This is not the first time that she has gone over my head instead of coming to me first.

So, it was that meeting that changed my mind about switching teachers.  I think at this point, there is nothing left to do but switch.  I am doing my best to stay positive about this change – a change that I didn’t ask for.  My new teacher is also a wonderful violinist, and is someone that I was planning on asking for lessons anyways if we decide to stay in this city another year.  He has a lot of orchestral experience, and there is a great deal that I can learn from him as well.  I have seen his students improve an incredible amount over the past year and a half, so by no means am I “stepping down” by changing teachers.  True, it isn’t ideal to only study with him for one term, but it seems as though at this point it is the best solution.

I waited several weeks to write this post because I was not ready to write it until now.  I am still very disappointed in the situation, and wish my teacher had come to me directly.  I regret that she apparently felt she couldn’t and that she didn’t understand where I was coming from, but I do understand why she would take offense and for that I am sorry.  I don’t know if she or the other administrators involved will still read and/or monitor my blog, but they are more than welcome to.  I am not ashamed of anything I have written, and stand by my thoughts and feelings.

New Rep :) December 6, 2009

I’m choosing my new repertoire.  So far, I’ve got Beethoven’s 3rd sonata to satisfy my classical requirements for my next recital, and for the rest I’m going modern.  Here’s the first movement of one of the possibilities.  So fun!!

Recital #1 – Check December 2, 2009

Grad recital number one is done!  I have been relaxing ever since…  Until now, that is, since I’m in a really useless seminar class at the moment…  I feel great about my recital.  Here’s the rundown:

Poeme Elegiaque, Ysaye

• Sadly, out of tune.  Much more so than the studio recital the other day..
• Tempo’s were good
• There were really effective and affective moments throughout, which is good!

Sonata No. 1 for solo violin, Bach

• Awesome!
• No memory problems, so take that, you-know-who who wanted me to use music!
• I knew I had a successful performance, when just before I bowed, I noticed that one of my jurors was clapping with his hands over his head!!  I was (and still am) very happy about that!

Suite Italienne, Stravinsky

• Went smoothly, for the most part
• I wasn’t as tired as I expected by this point, and my G-string managed to stay in tune throughout the piece.  It had been going flat because of the scordatura (tuning my G to an F) in the Ysaye.
• Again, very happy with the performance!

I even held it together the whole night.  Since going through depression, I am an emotional mess whether something is good or bad.  I was (and still am) overwhelmed that I have made it to this point in my degree, and really thought I’d break down and cry as soon as I finished.  I will admit, when my two jurors came back to congratulate me, some of their words had me choking up a bit, but I did not shed a tear.  Seems a little trivial, but I am happy about that.  I am happy to be this emotional about it, but would rather it was in private.  These people think I’m crazy enough as it is! 

Since my recital, I have had a bit of an issue with my teacher.  Another one.  Uugh.  She did not mention A WORD about my recital my entire lesson, until I brought it up at the very end.  More about this in a minute.  We spent the majority of the lesson talking (at my insistence) a out making future plans.  She did not seem optimistic about my chances for getting into the DMA/Artist Diploma degrees that I was interested in, nor was she optimistic about me landing a decent orchestral or teaching position.  She seemed to be dancing around it, but did not want to come right out and say it.  She hinted that I should teach beginners Suzuki violin (which I did previously, before returning to do my Masters degree), and not pursue anything greater.  Don’t get me wrong, I think teaching children is an EXTREMELY important job and I do enjoy it, but I do think that I am capable of teaching at a higher level and performing if I so choose.

Back to her recital feedback…  I brought it up at the very end of my “lesson” asking for her thoughts so that I can improve for my next recital.  She said: “what do you think?” and then just said “I agree” when I said ONE THING I’d like improve on.  Uugh.  She cannot ruin my good mood!  I have succeeded, whether she thinks so or not!!  I think I might send her an email to clear the air and try to straighten things out….  We’ll see…

T – 2 days November 25, 2009

Two days from now at this time, I will be warming up for my first grad recital.  I have gone through a range of emotions this week preparing, and am finally content with my preparedness.  Last night I played the Ysaye in a studio recital, and was fairly happy with the performance, and today I had my dress rehearsal in the theater.  I was mostly pleased, though I did have some memory slips in the Bach which I did not recover well from.  I will play it for some friends tomorrow and possibly Friday morning, and I’m sure by Friday night I’ll have it.  I can’t wait until it’s done!  To celebrate, we have champagne at home (left over from my birthday), and on Saturday we’re decorating the house and putting up the Christmas lights.  Woo-hoo!!!  I love Christmas time

If you’re curious, check out my programme.  I love the pieces I’m performing:

E. Ysaye – Poeme Elegiaque

J.S. Bach – Sonata No. 1 for Solo violin

I. Stravinsky (arr. by Dushkin) – Suite Italienne for Violin and Piano

T-1 week. Eek! November 21, 2009

One week to go.   Really, I don’t have much to report as I’ve been spending so much time closed up in a practice room preparing for my recital!  I have had time on my practicing breaks to reflect on my life – past, present, and future, and am left with a hard to describe feeling.  Unsettled, perhaps?  Here’s what I’ve been thinking…

Past:

Not quite right.  We lived in a beautiful place, our good friends were fantastic people, and we had an easy life.  We both were “settled” in our professional lives, yet it never quite felt like home there.

Present:

I’m in a bit of a limbo at the moment.  I’m focused on getting through my MMus here and improving my mental health.  I know what I’m doing and where I’ll be for the next few months, but I don’t know what to plan on for after that…  I can’t build a life here, yet my plans for the future are dependent on Chri’s DMA auditions and we don’t find out about that until April or later.

Future:

Really, who knows what the future holds for me?  My present is unsettled, so how can I decide on a future?  I’m barely holding my head above water in my present, so how can I plan my future?  Sigh.  Can you tell that I like to have a plan?  I just have to be patient.  A few months from now I can begin to plan my future, at least for the short term of 3 years or so…

Anyhow, I’m looking forward to playing my first solo graduate recital.  I know that there are things that won’t go as well as I’d like, but there is nothing quite like the feeling of working hard towards a goal and then achieving it.  I’m proud that I’ve been able to make it to this point.  I am still struggling to overcome my mental health issues, but I WILL give a successful performance and I am excited about that.

Alright, time for a good nights sleep so that I can spend the day in a practice room tomorrow!

The next 16 days: November 11, 2009

To Do:

-      Practice

-      Practice

-      Practice

Write-off week November 3, 2009

I’m back home, and have been for just over a week now.  Unfortunately, I haven’t accomplished anything and have to get over that fact and get my butt moving.  Short of getting over my anxieties, there’s not much I could have done differently.  I started the week with good intentions – I practiced like crazy to get my third and fourth movements ready for masterclass, unfortunately, I should have spent more time on the first movement.  Near the end of the first movement, I had a memory lapse.  A *major* memory lapse.  I couldn’t find my way and eventually stopped.  Instead of continuing, my teacher decided to press me on that movement.  And press, and press, and PRESS!  I have worked so hard to change the way I’m playing the Bach to be more in the manner she’s looking for, but apparently I haven’t done that.  She asked about the first chord.  The first chord, which I stopped rolling and played broken two by two, which is how I thought she had demonstrated it for me.  She asked me the same question as the only other time I’d played it for her:  “Where does the pulse begin?”  I answered with the same thing I said last time, that it began on the upper note.  She said that’s not how it sounded, and to try it again.  So I tried again, and again, and again, again, again.  So she demonstrated for me, and foolishly, I asked “ok, so I do I play it like that and show where the pulse begins while bringing out the bass?”  Apparently, not the right thing to ask.

 

In front of the whole studio, she started asking me why she was teaching me if I was resisting her suggestions, raising her voice at me, etc.  This went on for what seemed like a good 20 minutes, though realistically was only 5 or so.  I started crying IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS, and finally when she excused the class I excused myself to the washroom, but of course the quick breathing started.  I was starting to have an anxiety attack.  I went back to the masterclass room, and while fumbling around with my ativan pills to help calm the attack, she continued talking to me in front of a few people still left in the room.  Sweet.  Bringing attention to the fact that I need medication to deal with a situation I would rather be able to handle on my own.  Sweet.  I had a lesson a couple of hours later that I cried through.  Again, sweet.  Playing and trying to focus and listen with tears coming down my face.  Sah-weet.

 

She just doesn’t understand what that does to me.  Even knowing what I’ve been going through over the past year.  The ativan itself knocks me out for the day – after my lesson I fell asleep on the bus ride home, and them slept on the couch the rest of the day.  And the anxiety attack…  It wears me out so much to have an episode, I was falling asleep in class the next morning and ended up going home early to sleep.  Thank goodness I’m feeling emotionally better now!

 

After that, I came down with a flu that knocked me right out.  I slept almost all day and night from Saturday until today, and am finally feeling better.  I have to use a puffer for my cough, but at least I survived and will be back at school tomorrow!  So now I must get over this “write-off week” and get my butt into triple gear to catch up.  My recital is coming up in a few weeks…  And I have a gazillion notes to learn and perfect!!!  Here’s hoping for a better week to come!

Eve of Day 1 September 14, 2009

Tomorrow is day one:  The day the school year really begins for me.  I’m excited!  I’m playing in masterclass tomorrow, and I feel ready.  I know I’ll be a little nervous when I get up there, maybe even a lot nervous, but I’m still looking forward to it.  Aferwards, I have my first lesson of the school year.  Woo Wooo!!