It’s amazing what a month of no work or school will do for you… I suppose I should clarify and say it’s amazing what being forced not to work will do for ones mental health. I’d probably be pretty stressed out about money if I was allowed to work and chose not to. Anyhow, I am feeling stronger than I have for the past two years, and I have this USA-imposed work hiatus to thank for it. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve decided to follow my heart and do whatever makes me happy while I’m living in the US. So far, I’ve done a lot of diy work on the new (but very old) house, a little practicing, a fair amount of dog-walking, lots of taking care of the household, and I’m happy with this so far. Up next on the agenda is visiting family and friends in a few weeks, and a bathroom reno. So far, so good!
Avoidance Shmavoidance September 2, 2010
After a summer of avoiding my blog, I finally summoned the.. Courage? I don’t know… Summoned the something to log in and and update my very few readers with my progress. Of my very few readers, I have already received calls and/or emails from 3 or 4 asking how I’m doing (translation: are you crazy again?), so I think it’s high time I update you all. I don’t really understand myself why I haven’t posted. In fact, I only just logged on after a month or so a couple of days ago. Anyhow, I am pleased to say that I am completely medication free. I’m not sure if it’s for ever, or if it’s even for the best, but I’m quite happy that I’m not taking anything at the moment for the big D-word. I figure it’s kind of like “six of one, half a dozen of the other.” Either I’m a little wack-o off the meds, or I have to deal with side effects and limitations on them. But seriously, I am doing alright so far. I have had a few anxiety attacks and a few hard nights, but when I’m not going crazy I feel better, or perhaps more like myself, than I have in a couple of years. Plus, I figure that I might as well try it for a bit and then decide what’s best.
In other news, I have made it to my new home in NY State, and am in a “state” of unpacking. Most of the house is done, however, I’m at that awkward stage where I don’t really know where to put a whole bunch of stuff. Oh yes, the fun “random” boxes at the end. My poor hubby now has to deal with my stalled unpacking efforts. If he had the time, I’m pretty sure the whole house would be unpacked and decorated by now. You know, less than 2 weeks after moving in. I just work a little differently… I need to simmer on things until I know what to do. I’m pretty bored so far, but I have also stopped myself from starting any projects or volunteering until the unpacking is finished. That way, I have fewer excuses to avoid the boxes!
Anyhow, the waterworks are starting so I think I shall end this little update!
Depressing turn-of-events. July 30, 2010
Well, I’m really starting to think that I’m fooling myself with trying to come off the medication. I really, really want this to work, though no matter how much I want it, it doesn’t seem to be going as I’d hoped. I do have wonderful moments, and even periods of hours or days that are great – lots of laughing, enjoying people’s company, and general contentedness. But I am having more and more “relapses” that I can’t seem to get under control. The final straw yesterday came at a party of musicians, which in the past I would have enjoyed. I was doing well when there were just three of us, and then when more and more people joined us I just started to feel more and more alone and out of place. I made a quiet exit just before I started to cry, and then spent the whole evening after that trying to calm myself down and not have an anxiety attack, and then slept until noon. That’s not normal. Sigh. Should I be avoiding contact with more than two other people at once? I’d rather not..
Nighttime woes July 26, 2010
Ugh. Nights are the worst for me. Maybe ’cause the meds have worn off? I don’t know. I woke up this morning just fine and content, but 8 hours before that was a completely different story. Feeling alone (even surrounded by new friends..), upset, crying, boo! I’m not sure if I should up my meds back up a bit or tough it out. It’s a toss-up. Side effects vs. some crying… Hmm…. Hopefully today will be better.
neglect July 20, 2010
With the kerfuffle of travelling, moving, and more, I have been neglecting my blog, so here’s a quick update.
I am in beautiful Banff at the moment, and am holding things together. Well actually, more than just holding it together now. I had a really bad day on Sunday, but I’ve managed to stay on my lowest dose of this weaning experiment of 10 mgs. I am away for a whole month, so my doctor and I have come up with plan B and C in case I fall apart. Sunday was an anomole though… I hope. I had messed up my flight, which meant that I could only take carry-on luggage so that I could catch the last shuttle of the night. Then my purse broke. Then the lady sitting next to me spilt water all over me, noticed, and didn’t say anything. PLUS, I had to say goodbye to my hubby and pups for a month. Then I realized I only had one Ativan left, which made me panic (ironic…). Anyhow, I made it through without taking it, just in case I need it here in Banff before I can get a refill. I should clarify that I rarely need one, but I certainly feel better knowing I have them, just in case. The good news is, I’m doing well now.
My poor hubby is stuck at home, left alone to finish packing the house and to take care of all the annoying moving to-do’s. He’s a sweety! He knew this would be the case, but convinced me to come here anyways for the great experience.
Anyhow, I must go practice. The last movement of the Barber Violin concerto is calling my name…
Lost track of the days July 12, 2010
The number of days into this experiment is long ago lost, but I have an update anyways. I am a few days into weaning down to 10 mgs of Paxil (slowly down from the original of 30), and though I have been doing really well until now, this change of dosage isn’t going well so far. Pretty much from the second day of 10mgs, I have been feeling the return of depression symptons. I’m crying more and more for no reason, I’m easily irritated, I’m feeling stress much more easily than normal, and I’d love to spend the day in bed. I even cried at work and had to excuse myself for a few minutes. Even at the worst of it before, work was the one place I was able to hold things together. Ugh. Hopefully this is just a bump in the road, but just in case I’ve made an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow.
In other news, the house we offered on fell through. The house inspection came back with way too many problems that we just couldn’t afford to fix, and the seller wasn’t willing to pay for them. We’ve moved on to house number 2, but there is possibly another offer coming in on it today. I’m ticked at our realtor – he was supposed to get us the contract yesterday to sign so we could get the offer in ASAP, and then we couldn’t get a hold of him for the rest of the day. A week ago I would have been fine with all this – after all, my personal first choice of homes is neither of these two. With a family of hubby, two dogs, and myself, I have to take into account hubby’s wishes so that’s why the first two houses have come first.
Anyhow, here’s a photo of house number two:
Day… something. July 5, 2010
I’m about a week into the second step of my medication weaning. Woo!! I went down to 20mgs (of Paxil) for a few weeks, now I’m on 15′s, and soon 10′s. On each step down I’ve had a few rough days, but not nearly as bad as I expected. Just kinda grumpy and emotional, not crazy like I thought I’d be! I’m feeling good right now, so I will continue reducing the dosage as planned.
In other news, well, I have a lot of news. Here’s the rundown:
1. We sold the house! We got a great price, so we are quite pleased. I’m super happy that I don’t have to vacuum and sweep twice a day too!
2. We just got back from house hunting in ‘Merica, and that was a success too. It started of REALLY scary, but we eventually found a few places that would work for us. Get this – the first place our realtor took us to was a DIVE. Not just a dive, but a health hazard. Chris was pretty terrified at seeing that! Imagine carpet that when you step on, your foot sinks a few inches because the sub-floor is rotten. Holes in the walls everywhere, from the size of a grape to the size of, oh, I don’t know, several watermelons grouped together! Cabinet doors missing, cabinets broken, missing flooring, moldy smell, missing ceiling sections, broken windows, ew. I love a project, but we wouldn’t be safe living in the house while fixing it up! Anyhow, after a few days of looking at lots and lots of houses, we came up with a short-list of about 5 that we would be more than happy to live in and make home. We played hard-ball and got a great deal on the first one we offered on. Can you believe that in a city of about 500,000 people we were able to buy this house for $54,000? It’s got a much smaller lot that the house we’re in now, and there is some traffic noise from a busy road a few blocks away, but it’s beautiful. There’s 9 ft ceilings throughout, coffered ceilings in the dining room, original wood beams and trim, and more. I’ll post pics of before and after when I start decorating and fixing it up.
3. I’m getting a new car!! Well, my dad’s getting a new car and I’m buying his 2006 from him for a great price. I love driving that car! It’s a standard hatchback, and has AIR CONDITIONING (drool…) and power windows and locks. I know it doesn’t sound as impressive as I’m making it sound, but compared to our ’95 mazda protegé, it’s thrilling!
Anyhow, that’s enough for now as I promised myself I’d pack at least 5 boxes today and I haven’t started yet…
Cheers 
Day 12-ish June 13, 2010
I’m alive, and surviving. Phew! I am sad to report that the last few days have been a little tougher, but that is to be expected. I’ve been craving alone/quiet/resting time, and have been more emotional than normal. Not bad enough though to have to rush to the doctor, so I’m “happy” with that. I’ve also been working a lot though and have had company staying with us, so maybe I’m just tired and cranky. 
Convocation is on Monday, and it will be great. I have my mother-in-law and her husband staying with us right now, and Christopher’s dad and my parents arrive tomorrow. I’m not all that excited for the ceremony, but I’m so excited to be around family again Christopher’s mum has SPOILED us so far! She’s been a big help with getting ready for house showings and the open house, has given us far too much for graduation gifts, and has been so supportive in general. She gave me a suprise today by picking me up from work and helping me pick out a beautiful top. She also is putting together a photo montage of pics she’ll take at the convocation, and has helped Chri buy an Ipod touch. To be honest, I didn’t expect any graduation gifts, so I am oh-so-happily surprised. Flying out here was gift enough for me! Tomorrow will be even better when my parents and father-in-law arrive.
I haven’t had time to practice lately… It’s been about 4 days… I’ve been too busy with house showings, family, and work. I’ve started Pagannini’s 9th caprice though, have been doing crazy hard technique practice, and have been brushing up on some Bach. I have …almost… chosen a concerto, and then I’ll be ready for lots and lots of practicing in the near future. I’ve written it here, so now I must do it. You can all remind me if I seem to be finding more excuses to put it off. Just give me a week or so until all the family visits are over
Day 3 June 4, 2010
So far, so good. It’s still early in the process, but at this point I feel good and not crazy. Thanks to everyone for your support
In other news, we are beginning the moving process, so our house is up for sale. We have done a lot of painting doors, walls, and trim, fixed up the old hardwood floors, and staged, staged, staged! It’s been on the market for about 10 days, but so far no offers. Not to brag or anything, but our house looks amazing. We had a ton of showings for the first several days, and mostly positive feedback. The only negative that seems to be holding back the process is that we are on a slightly busy-ish street and across from an apartment building. It’s still super quiet and private, but I know that’s a concern for some people. Oh well, the right buyer will come along and enjoy our hard work.
I must start practicing again. I haven’t done much since my audition, simply because I haven’t chosen new repertoire. I’m thinking either the Beethoven or Barber violin concerto’s, but I haven’t decided yet. I think I’d like to start a new Bach as well, and a modern piece too. I should get off my butt and do that!
Day 1 June 2, 2010
Today is the first day of my non-medicated life no… the start of a not quite right either…
Today is day one in my non-medication experiment. Sort of. I have done it! Tonight’s dose will be a reduced amount, which is the first step in trying to be medication-free. I need to slowly wean off the meds so I don’t go crazy again. And I still might. Haha! For the next 3-4 weeks I’ll be on a slightly lower dose, and then hopefully even lower, until I’m completely weaned off the Paxil. I have heard and read MANY horror stories of coming off this medication, though I am remaining optimistic, hence the decision to call this an experiment. If it doesn’t work, well, maybe it will another time or maybe I’ll be on them forever. If it does work, hurrah! No more dizziness, fatigue, and insomnia, and if I have a headache or my allergies are acting up, I can take something for it!!
It has been a long road to get to this point. I have been through many periods of depression in my life, though none as bad as the past couple of years. I’m hopeful that this will work, but if not, I’ll survive. If it does go well, I go back to my doctor in 3 weeks to plan the next dose. If it doesn’t go well, I go back asap and back on the higher dose. I will post updates to how it goes. Fingers crossed
