How appropriate, and quite cliche, that the start of the new year brings for me a new start. I have a new teacher for this term at school. Before I explain what happened, I feel it’s important for me to point out a few things.
- I started this blog in hopes that it would help someone else dealing with depression. I want to show that I made it through all the crap that came in the first year with the major episodes, and that even though I’m not completely over it, I’m still living. I have fun, I accomplish goals, I have friends, I have a life. Sure I have a hard time sometimes and I still need medication, but I want to give hope to someone else who may not understand what’s happening to them or what the outcome will be. I know that given my history, I am very likely to continue having episodes of depression throughout my entire life and will likely need medication either on-going, or in spurts, but I am still optimistic that I will lead a good life overall and will still accomplish goals that I set for myself.
- I talk about events and feelings from my point of view. I explain my side of things, the way I see them. It helps me cope.
- I don’t use my last name, nor do I say what city I live in, what school I go to, or anything else that gives away where I am currently located.
- I am happy for anyone to read this blog. If you have a problem with what I’ve written, please comment or talk to me about it first. I don’t mean to offend anyone.
For those of you who read my blog regularly, you know that I took a hiatus last month and blocked jennybabble from public view. I got an email from the head of performance at my school asking me to see him about my blog, so I shut it down immediately until I knew the reason and could sort out the situation. It turns out that my teacher had “come across” my blog. The meeting with Prof. Performance & co. was actually very supportive – they had clearly only read the “depression” posts, and thought this was my “cry for help.” They suggested that I change studio teachers, and wanted me to complete my degree in the best possible way for me. I was REALLY upset and taken aback, but at that point was convinced that I did not want to switch teachers. I have learned so much from her, even through the depression and the term I was not able to take lessons. To me, it seems as though there have just been a series of misunderstandings, which I thought I had explained in the email I sent to her a few days before this situation arose. Apparently, she saw it as “sucking up” and didn’t think I was sincere. That is a shame, because I was sincere. I was actually offered a similar amount of scholarship money to study elsewhere with a fantastic violinist, but chose to study with her instead. Well, there is nothing I can do about that. I had a lesson with her two days after the meeting with Prof. Performance. I didn’t bring my violin, because I really, REALLY wanted to sort things out. From the start of that meeting, it was clear that I have really offended her with my blog. I feel bad for that – that was not my intention. I am very sorry for hurting her, and regret that it happened. She spoke of the trust being broken between us, but in a different way than I see it. She thinks I haven’t trusted her opinion in ages, which is not true. I misinterpreted her meaning of interpreting a piece my way, and I think that’s one main reason she thinks I don’t trust her. She did say that she’s a professional, and is prepared to “start over” and teach me through my last term if that’s what I want. No matter how professional she is, I still think she is incredibly hurt by what I have written, and that the trust is gone. She doesn’t believe that I trust her musical opinions, and I don’t trust that she will be honest with me. This is not the first time that she has gone over my head instead of coming to me first.
So, it was that meeting that changed my mind about switching teachers. I think at this point, there is nothing left to do but switch. I am doing my best to stay positive about this change – a change that I didn’t ask for. My new teacher is also a wonderful violinist, and is someone that I was planning on asking for lessons anyways if we decide to stay in this city another year. He has a lot of orchestral experience, and there is a great deal that I can learn from him as well. I have seen his students improve an incredible amount over the past year and a half, so by no means am I “stepping down” by changing teachers. True, it isn’t ideal to only study with him for one term, but it seems as though at this point it is the best solution.
I waited several weeks to write this post because I was not ready to write it until now. I am still very disappointed in the situation, and wish my teacher had come to me directly. I regret that she apparently felt she couldn’t and that she didn’t understand where I was coming from, but I do understand why she would take offense and for that I am sorry. I don’t know if she or the other administrators involved will still read and/or monitor my blog, but they are more than welcome to. I am not ashamed of anything I have written, and stand by my thoughts and feelings.
